


we'll safety pin the pieces of our broken hearts back together

by gertandadeinonychus (orphan_account)



Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hell Trauma, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, kinda slow burn-y, more like medium burn tbh, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25905031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/gertandadeinonychus
Summary: Now that the runaways have defeated all of the impending danger that came their way, it was now time to sit back, relax, and let the wounds heal. Alex is struggling to push past the demons that haunt him now that the alien doesn't. But when Chase wakes him up from yet another nightmare about his mother, Alex realizes that he has what he needs right in front of him, and they help each other heal from all of the trauma their past (both recent and not).this is set post-season three, but as if gertchase had never happenedtitles from the song safety pin by 5 seconds of summer
Relationships: Chase Stein & Alex Wilder, Chase Stein/Alex Wilder
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. running to the edge of the world

"No, Alex, you don't have to do this! I'm your mother, spare me!" Catherine screamed with tears running down her face.

"C'mon Alex, kill her, or consider your friends dead," Darius said.

"I'm sorry, Mom," Alex choked out as he went to stab his mother.

"No!"

Alex woke up in a sweat.

 _Calm down,_ Alex told himself. _It was just a dream._

But these dreams, which were more like nightmares, were becoming more and more frequent with each passing night. Alex and his friends knew that they would be sacrificing a lot when they decided to take down PRIDE (and, by extension, their parents) and every other villain that came after- they just didn't expect their mental health to be one of them.

_Just breathe. Inhale..._

The image of him killing innocent people, killing his mother wouldn't leave his mind. It was on a permanent loop, as if the DVD of the events got stuck in the player of his brain and couldn't be ejected. Any time he tried to not think about what he's done, the crimes he committed the past few months, the memories come back full force. His brain won't let him forget the things he doesn't want to remember, and won't let him remember the things he doesn't want to forget.

_Exhale. Inhale..._

Andre was sacrificed because of him. Xerxes will never know his father because of him. The guy at the donut shop lost his life because of him. Geoffrey Wilder lost his wife because of him. 

People died because of him.

_Exhale. Inhale..._

If Alex had never invited everyone over that night, they wouldn't have discovered the secret doorway, they wouldn't have had to take on one of the most powerful organizations, some of the most powerful people. They wouldn't have ended up where they are now- they would still be living their lavish lifestyle without any knowledge about all the atrocities their parents committed to get them that lifestyle.

_Exhale._

But Alex wouldn't have his best friends, his second family back. He went to sleep knowing that even though he and his friends had to do messed up shit to do it, they saved California, and then the universe, and then the dimension. They did a net good.

* * *

Alex stretched his arms as he woke up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He pulled the blankets off and went to the kitchen, where he was greeted by the rest of his friends.

"I guess Sleeping Beauty finally got up," Nico said.

"I know right? I think you sleep more than me now, and I don't see you lifting any trucks," Molly chimed in.

"Haha guys, very funny," Alex said as he rolled his eyes.

"On a serious note, you sleeping okay? Your room is in a colder part of the house," Karolina said.

"I'm fine. My gifted brain just requires more of the repairs that sleep provides. I wouldn't expect you all to understand," Alex said with a smirk.

"Yeah right. I think you just need beauty sleep. Lord knows you need a lot of that," Chase said as the group laughed.

"Alrighty knuckleheads, eat," Gert scolded them as they all laughed with their mouths full. 

Alex knew that he may not be perfect, but he did get one thing right: his friends.


	2. so now i'll say the things i never sent

Chase couldn't sleep.  
He had changed positions 30-something times (in fact, he was pretty sure he had discovered every possible sleeping position), he had told himself every bedtime story he knew, he had counted up to 147 sheep. There was no way he was falling asleep at this point.

This wasn't an atypical situation for Chase. Ever since his father first laid a hand on him when he was 9, Chase would stay up at night thinking if there was anything his father would hurt him for the next day. And even though he didn't live with his father anymore, and hadn't for almost a year, the traumatizing experiences of watching his friends- scratch that, his family- almost die on a semi-regular basis would keep a fully developed adult up late at night, let alone a freshly 17 year old. Sometimes, he would talk to his mom to get himself to sleep. Not in a prayer way, he had given up on religion a long time ago. In a "I need someone to talk to and you're the only one who understands most of what I went through" way. Chase had a journal where he would write down what he wants to say to his mom, like a collection of letters.  
  
_Dear Mom,_

_I can't stop thinking about you tonight. Are you okay? I know you said you would be, but I worry that you told me that so that I would leave, so that I would save myself. So, are you really happy? Or at the very least, at peace? I shouldn't even be writing questions in here, I know you can't answer them. God, what I would give to have one more conversation with you, one more hug, one more drive along PCH and sing along to whatever terrible song was on the radio. My fondest memories of my childhood (yes, I know I'm still a child, but I think I'm about as close as you can get to being an adult at 17) are the ones when dad would go on business trips and it was just you and I in the house. You would make those poppyseed muffins that you couldn't make when dad was home because he's allergic. I wish I would've asked you for the recipe now. We would go to the park and play lacrosse. Once I got older, you would show me all the things you would've done in science, the ideas you had. And you never let me think it was my fault, instead you told me that abandoning all that to be a stay at home mom was the best decision of your life. Thank you for that, by the way. I don’t think I ever told you how grateful I was to have you in my life, as my mother. Quite frankly, I don’t think I truly appreciated you as much as you deserved until we left and I had planned to cut you out of my life. I love you so much, mom. More than I could ever express with words._

_Much love,_

_Chase ♡_

By this point, dots of water littered the page. Chase closed the book and set it on the floor by his bed. He laid down on the bed on his side, grabbing one of the surely too old to be safe pillows and closed his eyes, the words his mother used to say to him when she tucked him in as a small child playing in his mind.

That's when Chase heard the screams. "I'm sorry, mom! I'm sorry!" The voice was deep, it couldn't have been one of the girls. Which meant it could only be one person: Alex. He's clearly in distress, and Chase is probably the only other person awake. So, Chase decides that he needs to go make sure Alex is okay. He wiped his eyes- Alex needed him to be strong, not to know he had also been crying about his mother- and got out of bed before walking to and opening the door.


	3. you say you've tried it all before, but it only makes things worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!trigger warning!!  
> This chapter mentions self harm and suicidal thoughts. Neither of them do anything in relation to that on the page, but I'm going to leave a "!!!" on the lines before and after the scene that contains the subject matter. Stay safe, I love you all!

Alex had sat up, his arms holding his legs curled up against the rest of his body. He was trying to steady his breathing long enough to try and go back to sleep. The sound of the door opening startled him, and Alex grabbed the bat he had found in one of the other rooms.

"Woah, bro. It's just me. Where did you even find that," Chase said, his hands held parallel to his head.

Alex put the bat down. "Sorry, didn't see it was you. I found it in what became Molly's room when we first found this place. Guess it turned out for the best- wouldn't want the person with super strength to also have a weapon." Alex sat down on the bed. "So, what brings you to my room?"

"Uh, I heard screaming, wanted to make sure no one was trying to break into the house," Chase said, looking over the furniture in the room, "Though it seems like my assistance is not needed."

"Then where are the fistagons?" Alex could see Chase's hands fidgeting, his tell that he's lying.

"I guess in my moment of panic, I forgot them," Chase scratched the back of his head. 

"We both know that's not why. C'mon, what was it?"

"Okay, fine. The screams sounded like someone was having a nightmare, and the voice was too deep to be one of the girls. You're the only other guy that lives in this house, so I assumed it was you. Wanted to make sure you were okay. It sounded brutal."

Alex's eyes softened. Chase does really care about him. He knew that the mutual teasing was playful, but there was always a part of him that worried Chase actually didn't like him.

"Sit." Alex patted the bed."This is gonna take a while." 

Chase sat down.

"So, you know how we were all stuck in that dark dimension-hell thing for a while?" Alex said. Chase nodded. "Well, while I was in there, Darius was there, or at least some figment of my imagination version of him. When you guys came back for me, Darius saw and told me I could either kill my mother or watch my friends die. I couldn't let you guys die, not after you risked yourselves for me, so I took the knife Darius gave me and killed her." Chase let out a small gasp. "The entire time she was begging me not to kill her, and I would just say I'm sorry. That's probably what you heard. I always wake up before I actually do it, though. It's probably my brain trying to repress the memories as much as possible."

Chase wrapped his arms around Alex, and Alex just fell into him, crying. His arms were just so warm, so comforting; they made him feel safe. Alex sobbed into Chase's shirt while Chase rubbed up and down his back, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. They sat like that for a while, until Alex's sobs turned to small hiccups. 

"You know you can tell me when you have these nightmares, right? I know trying to go through it alone makes it so much harder. But you have me, and the girls too. You don't have to go through it alone, you don't have to be the fearless leader all the time. It's okay to be vulnerable and show that you're struggling. You guys have taught me that," Chase said, looking into Alex's eyes. Alex nodded, pulling away from Chase to wipe his eyes. 

-!!!-

"Can you sleep in here tonight? I don't really want to be alone right now. I get really dark thoughts after nightmares, and having you here would keep me from acting on them." Alex played with the sleeves of his sweater that he stole from Karolina.

"Have you ever acted on these... thoughts?" Chase asked, concern filling his eyes.

"A couple times. Only after really bad nightmares where I feel guilty about being at least a part of the cause of death for so many people. I had started after Amy died, and I guess after going through all of this, the habit picked back up again." 

Alex had rolled up his sleeves, showing Chase the scars littered across his forearms. Chase traced along the lines, seeing that some were more faded than others. He could tell which ones were from years ago and which ones were fresh, as if they had been done within the last couple of days.

"Hold on, I'm gonna go get something. Be right back," Chase said, getting up from the bed. Alex scratched the back of his head. What in the world could Chase be getting? When he returned to the room, though, Alex could see the pen in his hand.

"I saw Nico reblog this thing on wizblog years ago. It's called the butterfly project. Basically-" Chase uncapped the pen-"You draw butterflies where you self-harm, and assign important people in your life to the butterflies. So every time you hurt yourself there, it's killing the butterfly, and by extension, that person. Here, give me your arm."

Alex gave Chase his arm, and Chase started drawing little butterflies on his arm, and would put names under the little bugs. _Nico. Karolina. Gert. Molly. Chase. Old Lace._ Alex giggled at that one. Chase then did the other arm. _Livvie. Tamar. Amy. Darius._

"What's Tamar and Darius' baby's name again?" Chase asked. Alex told him, and Chase put it below another butterfly.

"See? Now every time you think about hurting yourself, you'll see all the people that care about you and wouldn't want you to put yourself in that kind of pain."

-!!!-

"Thanks, Chase. This is actually really helpful. But can we please go to sleep? I'm tired as hell," Alex said. Chase nodded and Alex got under the covers, Chase right behind him. Alex gave Chase a pillow and Chase wrapped his arms around Alex, liking the warmth and comfort Alex's body that close to him brought. Alex laid his head against Chase's chest. They were both asleep in minutes, the comfort of each other soothing their racing minds that had been keeping both of them up for hours the nights before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> us suicide hotline number: 1800 273 8255  
> please call if you are having suicidal thoughts. help is available.


	4. this time, maybe this time

Molly was worried. Chase and Alex hadn't gotten up yet, and they were very late to breakfast. So, she decided to investigate the situation for herself. She checked Alex's room first since it was closer. 

What she saw, though, she was not expecting: Chase in bed with him, Alex's head tucked into Chase's chest with both of their arms wrapped around each other, the both of them snoring softly. 

Molly decided to go back to where the rest of her friends were and tell them about her findings.

"Hey, guys, come look! Chase and Alex are cuddling!" Molly said to them.

"Wait, really? Let me go see, I want the evidence," Nico said.

"Nico, what you're not doing is that. I know you're gonna use it to tease the everliving hell out of both of them, and none of us need you to have extra things to make fun of them for," Karolina said.

"I'm with Karo on this one. Toxic masculinity has forced straight guys to not have close, affectionate relationships with their guy friends. Clearly something happened last night where they felt comfortable sleeping together like that. If we make fun of them, they are just going to retract that and not be as close," Gert said.

"We've literally been to hell and back. Twice for the majority of us. I think normal societal expectations got thrown out the window when we ditched a school dance to destroy our parents' plot to tear apart California," Nico said.

"Toxic masculinity permeates every aspect of our society. Yeah, we've been through some crazy shit, doesn't undo the years of 'normal society's' expectations being drilled into us," Gert said.

"Fine. I won't tease them about it."

"How about we just not bring it up? If they know we know, it might influence them to stop, and I think they deserve to have this close bond with each other after being the epitome of 'brain vs. brawn' their entire lives," Karolina said.

"Alright, so it's settled. We let them have their cuddle sessions and we won't bring it up until they do," Molly said. The others nodded.

* * *

Chase felt something warm pressed against him when he woke up the next morning. He also noticed that this wasn't his room- it was Alex's. Just then, the owner of the room let out a snore. Chase snorted, which caused Alex to stir.

"Oh, I'm sorry, go back to sleep," Chase said, running his fingers through Alex's hair.

"No, we have to get up soon anyways. I'm sure the girls are waiting on us," Alex said. "Though I am tempted. That feels really nice."

"Noted." Chase said. Alex giggled. "So, do you want to talk about last night? You don't have to if you don't want to."

Alex rubbed his eyes. "No, I should. What do you want to know?"

"How often do these nightmares happen? Are they just about your mom, or about other things too?"

"Unless I'm exhausted, they happen every night." Chase gave him a look of pity. "And they're not just about my mom. They're about Andre, the people I killed when that murderous alien possessed me. Did you know he left me a checklist of things to do? Bastard. They're also about Darius, and Livvie, and occasionally A-Wall."

"Holy shit, that's a lot of nightmares," Chase held onto him tighter. "I'm sorry you had to go through that alone."

"But now I don't. I've got you, and the girls, and Old Lace, who is actually a really good listener if you give her something to chew on." Chase laughed.

"Just promise me you'll say something when they happen? You're always free to wake any of us up of you're struggling, we'll help you. I'll help you."

Alex sat up on the bed. "I know you'll help. It's just that it's hard to speak up in the heat of the moment, especially since I usually have a panic attack right when I wake up."

Chase sat up beside Alex, letting the smaller boy rest his head on his shoulder. "I know it's hard. I know it probably the best out of all of us. But saying something is the first step in controlling it so that it doesn't affect your life as much."

Chase slipped his arm behind Alex and pulled him impossibly closer to his side. The pair sat like that for awhile: Chase rubbing Alex's shoulder while Alex drew circles on Chase's lower thigh. 

"Alright, we gotta get up before Gert bites our heads off for not eating breakfast within the allotted breakfast time," Alex said.

The two boys walked out of the room side-by-side. And if their pinkies were locked behind them where the others couldn't see, no one needed to know.


	5. 'cause they all think we're twisted

Alex’s hand was around his neck. Or, rather, an extension of his arm- the alien part of him, was around this man’s neck. But it was still his arm, his hand, squeezing his neck tighter and tighter, blocking more and more of his airway. The man’s voice crying out for help, calling out to him to let go.

“Alex!”

“Alex!”

“Alex!”

“Alex, wake up!”

Suddenly, his room was the sight that surrounded him. And Chase was there, shaking him to get him out of his stupor.

“Stop! Stop! Stop!” Alex yelled, and Chase jumped back.

_I killed someone. I killed someone. I killed someone._ Alex’s trembling hands reached up and pulled on his hair. _I killed someone. I killed someone. I killed someone._ His body went cold. _I killed someone. I killed someone. I killed someone._ His chest was tightening with each labored breath he took. _I killed someone. I killed someone. I killed someone._ His world was spinning. _I killed someone. I killed someone. I killed someone._

Alex tried to focus on his breathing. He placed his hands on his stomach. _I killed someone._ His stomach went up and down- he tried to slow down its tempo. _I killed someone._ Air flowed in through his nose, and out his mouth. _I killed someone_. His vision steadied, as did his breathing. Alex looked up to see a worried Chase.

“Are you okay? What do you need me to do?”

Alex didn’t know how to answer the question. Well, his subconscious knew- he needed reassurance that he wasn’t really a murderer- that the alien took over, that there was nothing he could have done to stop it. That he hadn’t done the thing that made him and all of his friends run away from his parents. But of course, he couldn’t access his subconscious.

“Can you just hold me?” Alex said.

Chase climbed into bed with him, and wrapped his arms around Alex. One hand held Alex’s to stop their trembling left over from his panic attack, the other went to his hair to run his fingers through it.

“Are you okay to tell me what this one was about?” Chase asked.

“Yeah.” Alex leaned further into Chase’s chest. “When you were gone, Leslie ended up in our house pregnant after the girls rescued her from some Gib torture facility behind my back. She eventually went into labor, and we decided to go to Tamar’s since the baby was Jonah’s according to her. On the way there, Leslie wanted donuts, so we stopped at this donut place. I went to go get them. I ordered the donuts, and while the guy was getting them-“ Alex’s voice was getting shakier with each word-“the alien took over and my arm extended. It looked like Jonah’s light flashes but... goopier. With it he- I choked him out. I killed that innocent guy that was just trying to do his job.”

Alex let out a sob. Chase pulled Alex’s head into his chest and began to rock them as Alex sobbed. The hand previously in Alex's was rubbing his back. Once his sobs calmed down, Alex pulled his head out of Chase’s chest.

“You know that you didn’t really kill that guy, right? That was the alien, you aren’t a killer,” Chase said.

“But I should’ve held him off. Not let him take over. If I did, that guy would still be alive,” Alex said.

“That alien was stubborn and malicious. If he wanted to kill, nothing was going to stand in his way. You couldn’t have held him off. Alex, that guy’s death wasn’t your fault.”

Chase held Alex’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over his cheeks.

“You aren’t like our parents. They are willing to kill whoever to get where they want. That’s not you; you have too big a heart, bug.”

Alex didn’t realize how much he missed that name. Chase hadn’t called Alex “bug” since they were kids. It used to annoy him- Chase started calling him that from his fascination with bugs, and because he “bugs.” Now, the name felt endearing, comforting.

The two stayed like that for a little while. Alex’s face in Chase’s hands, his own carded into Chase’s hair. Their eyes were locked, and no words were shared. They didn’t have to be. Chase and Alex understood each other in that moment-they had a connection unlike anything either had experienced.

“How about you get some sleep?” Chase broke the silence, getting off of the bed.

“Wait!” Alex said. Chase turned around. “Can you stay? Please?”

Chase slid back into the bed. Alex laid his head on Chase’s chest, Chase wrapping his arms around his torso.

“Go to sleep, bug. I’m right here.” Chase eyes started to close.

“Thank you,” Alex said as he fell back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed I changed all the titles. I was listening to 5 seconds of summer's discography for the first time in about a year, and when I heard this song, I thought it fit this story perfectly. Hope you all don't mind the change.


	6. everybody wants to throw us away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a trigger warning- this chapter talks about child abuse, some parts in minor detail. i know that this is in the tags, but i wanted to add an extra warning just in case. if you don't think you should read this chapter, than just skip it! it won't hurt my feelings. but if you are trying to avoid the child abuse, skip the whole chapter, it's mentioned throughout the entire thing.

“Alright guys, we should call it quits for tonight, get some sleep. We did good today,” Karolina said, and everyone began to pack up the training equipment. Molly moved the makeshift punching bag Chase had been using to teach Molly proper fighting technique. Nico put away the sword they had found when they went to beat the aliens. She had been teaching Alex how to use it so that he and Molly can fight enemies in close combat and the rest can fight from a distance. Gert came back with Old Lace from the woods nearby where they had been training. The kids all said their goodnights to each other and went up to their rooms. Once he heard everyone else’s doors shut, though, Chase snuck out to Alex’s room.

“Hey, what's up?" Alex said, looking confused at Chase's presence in his room.

"Can I ask you something? That stays between us?" Chase asked.

"Yeah, sure. What do you need?"

"Do ever have like, random flashbacks in your head of what you went through throughout the day? Like, one moment you're doing something, the next, you're back to the scene of something you would very much like to forget?"

Alex's face turned to one of concern. "Yeah, all the time."

"Okay, so it's a 'you went through some shit' thing, not a 'you're just crazy' thing," Chase let out a sigh of relief.

"What are your flashes? Is it from your time in the dark dimension?" Alex patted the bed in the spot beside him.

Chase sat down next to Alex. “Sometimes. It’s mostly stuff not from all of this, though,” Chase motions to the Hostel.

“What do you mean? What happened?” Alex looked very confused. They practically grew up together, what did Chase grow through that he wasn’t there for? Was it after Amy died?

“What I’m about to tell you has to absolutely have to stay between us. You cannot tell a soul, Wilder,” Chase said.

“Of course.”

Chase took a deep breath. “My dad used to hurt me. A lot. He used whatever he had on hand— weapons he designed, household objects as projectiles, his fists and legs. All to try and inflict as much pain as possible to me and my mom. He said it was proper discipline, and I believed him, until Karolina said that when we partnered to do something mischievous, her parents just yelled at her a little bit, whereas I got beat with row hanging on the wall.”

Alex's eyes filled with sympathy. "When did it start?"

"When I was like, 9. We had just won the city championship, and my dad didn't show up even though he said he would. I made some comment about how he didn't deserve all of the accolades he had gathered for his work with Nemo. He told me to say it again, I did, and he beat the shit out of me for it in the car. He was never the same after that. It started out pretty tame with the occasional punch, but it got worse over the years. The worst was right after Amy died, though. I don't know if it just felt worse because I was at the lowest point in my life, but I wouldn't put it past my dad to have hurt me more because he knew I was vulnerable from all the emotional pain I was in."

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Alex said, pulling Chase closer to him. “I wish I would have caught it.”

“There’s no way you could have— my dad made sure to keep his tracks clean and me quiet. You’re the first person to ever believe me,” Chase said, playing with his fingers.

“Who didn’t believe you?” Alex asked, afraid of the answer.

“Coach Alphona. I tried to tell him when it was getting really bad. You know they say ‘tell a trusted adult’ for everything. But he didn’t believe me. Said that the man who had done so much good for the world couldn’t be doing something so reprehensible. As it turns out, he’s capable of a lot worse than domestic violence and child abuse.”

Alex didn’t know what to say. His friend had just dropped this major bomb on him, what else could he do?

“What did he, uh, hurt you for?” Alex said.

“My grades, my athletic hobbies, my lack of interest in science, my messiness at times, my tendency to blow up at people— just about everything.”

Alex pulled Chase’s body into his own. His arms wrapped around Chase as he held him as close as possible.

“Why didn’t he love me?”

Chase’s eyes slowly welled up with tears. Alex pressed his forehead against Chase’s.

“Because quite honestly, I don’t think he was capable of it. There was nothing you could have done to change that. You, though, you do have that kind of love, beetle.”

That’s all it took for the floodgates to open. _Beetle_. It was the nickname Alex had given him after “Bug” had became Alex’s nickname. Chase earned the name due to his love of The Beatles as a kid— he could listen to Yesterday for the rest of life and not grow tired of it— and because it matched “Bug.” They had been Bug and Beetle ever since.

Chase let out all of the tears he had been holding in about this for the past 8 years. Alex rocked them and rubbed his back as Chase cried. His sobs were controlled, almost, as if he had learned how to keep them at bay so that others wouldn’t know he was crying. This made Alex wonder: had Chase spent many a night crying himself to sleep, trying to keep them quiet so that no one else would hear him? It only made Alex hold him tighter.

“It’s okay. You can let go,” Alex said.

Slowly but surely, Chase’s sobs grew louder and louder, until he was fully shaking and letting the tears flow at a mile a minute. Alex kept his promise: he held Chase, rubbed his back, let him grip his shirt as tight as he needed to.

As Chase’s sobs turned into cries turned into sniffles, Alex brought Chase’s eyes so that they looked into his own brown ones.

“I hope you know that you aren’t the reason your dad did all of those things. Victor Stein is cold, calculated, and merciless. You didn’t, don’t, and never will deserve what he did to you,” Alex said.

“Thank you. For everything tonight. You don’t know how long I’ve needed that,” Chase said.

“Of course. I’m glad I could give you something you needed. But the night’s not over. Come on, lay down.”

Chase laid down next to Alex, who pulled the blankets over them. Alex wrapped his arms around Chase as Chase buried his face into Alex’s chest. Their legs tangled together as they laid there, Alex stroking Chase’s cheek with the pad of his thumb until he fell asleep. Chase’s soft, steady breathing lulled him to sleep, his mind at ease with his best friend close to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> us child abuse hotline: 1 800 422 4453
> 
> on a much happier side note: this is the longest chapter this book has by far!


	7. two wrongs make it right

Alex fluttered his eyes open, his chest feeling weighted. He was worried it was a panic attack until he saw Chase, peacefully asleep against his body. Alex let out a sigh, grateful that it was just his best friend and not his shitty mental health that woke him up. His fingers slipped into Chase's hair, running through the brown strands in order to entertain himself.

Chase groaned, and Alex removed his fingers. The sleep was rubbed out of Chase's eyes, and he looked up at Alex with a smile.

"Good morning, bug," Chase said. "Good morning, beetle," Alex said.

Chase wiggled his way up so that his face was level with Alex's. He set his head on the pillow, looking at Alex.

"Hey, would you want to move in here? I mean, we really only use our rooms for sleeping, and you've been sleeping in here the past few nights, and I really like having you in here, and—"

"Alex, you're rambling," Chase interrupted. Alex blushed a little. "And I would love to move in here. You actually help me fall asleep faster."

"Well, we should probably move your stuff in here now, so that the girls don't notice and start interrogating us on why we want to sleep in the same room," Alex said.

Chase nodded, and they got up and went to Chase's room to collect his things. Alex grabbed clothes from around the room and piled them on the bed. Chase picked up the fistigons.

"Of course that's the first thing you grab," Alex laughed.

They put the stuff they had already gathered and put them in Alex's—well, now their— room, and went back. They both collected the little knick knacks around the room (Chase made sure he grabbed his journal), and placed those in the room too. WIth a little organizing and tidying up, the room was done.  


* * *

Once their training for the day wrapped up, the boys let the girls head up to their rooms, and then went into theirs. Chase laid down on the right side, the side he always ended up on when his presence in the room was more like an emotional support sleepover. Alex laid down as well, pulling the covers up on both of them.

"So, what's got you up tonight, bug?" Chase said.

"I wonder if Livvie is okay, you know? I don't have feelings for her like that anymore, but I still care about her. She saw some crazy shit and didn't even have all the context for why it was happening and why we were doing those things. She got shot at, Beetle. All because my mother couldn't have Darius' murder trace back to her, only for her to turn herself in. She was a hostage and hurt while under them, because of my stupidity. What Livvie went through was so traumatic, I just hope that she's okay."

Chase held Alex's hand in his, "Oh, bug. I know you care about her, but you just have to trust the universe will take care of her. She's strong, she'll work through it. You can't spend your energy worrying about other people's issues when you can't do anything about them. Just focus on you right now— everyone else will figure themselves out." Chase squeezed Alex's hand.

"Says the guy who didn't get help for the child abuse he was facing for what, 6 or 7 years?"

Chase's jaw dropped.

"That was a low blow, I'm sorry. I just worry about the people I care about, Beetle, and she’s one of them. Can we talk about you now? I don't really like talking about this stuff," Alex said sheepishly.

"Alright, what do you want to know?" Chase said.

"Was it just your dad that hurt you, or was it your mom, too?"

"No, just my dad. He would hit her too. It would make me so mad, I almost fought him over it a couple times. The first few years, I kind of resented my mom because she would just let him hit me it felt like. But when she showed me what she would have become had she not settled with my dad: a groundbreaking researcher that could have changed the world, I started to realize that she was trying to get out, but couldn't find a way that wouldn't harm us. I think Jonah never let her, thinking it would break my dad and he couldn't build the death tub. That's probably why she ran to Robert, she saw herself in him: he was a sweet guy in a marriage with a stone-cold partner. Obviously there were differences, but Robert was the kind of guy she wanted, probably who she thought my dad was until he turned into, well, my dad."

Alex squeezed Chase’s hand. “You and your mom were really close then, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry you had to leave her behind. If we could have found a way to rescue her, we would have. She was definitely at the top of the list of ‘nicest PRIDE parents,’ right behind Dale and Stacy.”

“It’s okay. I got my closure. I know she’s at peace, that she’s not being hurt by my dad anymore. That’s honestly the thing that’s kept me from having a complete breakdown about the whole situation.”

“Well, I’m glad you got that. I certainly didn’t.”

Chase shifted. “What do you mean? Didn’t you see her the day she died?”

“Yeah, she wanted to see if I would promise that once she gets out, I would try to repair our family again. Unfortunately, evil alien guy invaded my brain and decided to talk for me. He said a ton of awful shit- told her I hated her and that she should go to hell— that was the last thing I ever said to her. And now I can’t help but wonder if she let them kill her because I had completely torn her apart.”

“Bug, there was no way for you to know that that was going to happen to her. That alien got more powerful the longer he was in there, you couldn’t have controlled him. Here, I have an idea: why don’t we give the alien a name? That way, you can say his name when you talk about him— it might help you disassociate his actions while inhabiting your body from yours.”

“Alright, how about Lucas? The first guy to ever shove me into a trash can just because I wouldn’t give him my English homework.”

“Wait, the first guy? This happened more than once?” Chase’s eyes filled with confusion.

“Well, specifically because he wanted my English homework was that one time, but the getting shoved into a trash can part kind of became a regular occurrence.”

Chase’s eyes softened. “I’m sorry I never stood up for you guys. I should have.”

“It’s okay. The friend group had just collapsed and you wanted friends. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do now.”

“Still, I’m sorry. And Brandon it is, I guess. But now Alex needs to sleep.”

Alex giggled. Chase held out his arms and Alex slipped into them. He tucked his head into Chase’s shoulder as Chase wrapped his arms around him. All it took was a few seconds in each other’s arms and the two boys were fast asleep.


	8. once i had a little taste, now i'm addicted to your fix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for the bi panic in this chapter bc it is rampant.  
> also, this chapter marks the halfway point in this book and it's honestly making me emotional bc i have never gotten this far in writing a fic.

Chase fluttered his eyes open, Alex's sleeping figure immediately in his vision. _He looks so peaceful,_ Chase thought. _Like all of his demons are on a lunch break._ Alex let out a small snore, and Chase smiled. He wanted every morning to be like this, Alex cuddled up next to him, so close Chase can smell the 3-in-1 soap that Gert had gotten so that they stopped smelling like "pig manure" as she described it. So close, Chase could feel Alex's steady breaths being let out against his chest. So close, Chase could feel Alex's stomach moving up and down against his, a reminder that they were both alive and breathing, something they didn't always know. Their hearts beating in the same rhythm, legs so intertwined that if not for the visual differences you couldn't tell whose is whose-

_Holy shit._

These were the kind of thoughts Chase had about Karolina, before she rejected him and turned out to be a raging lesbian. He had them about countless other girls before Karolina, the thought of their bodies against his. And now he's having them about Alex, his best friend, his rock, his only source of real comfort these days when he feels like complete shit. Not to mention, he was a dude, a section of the population Chase did _not_ realize he could have feelings for. _Does this mean I'm gay?_ Chase thought. _No, I'm definitely into girls. So I guess I'm whatever Nico is._

Nico, the girl Alex was into for years, and then when she dumped him (though were they ever formally together?) he was heartbroken. Until he met Livvie, the girl from Compton that showed him how to take care of his textured hair and gave him a way to free Darius posthumously from the things he had been accused of. She was like Alex in so many ways: smart, determined, willing to sacrifice for justice and for family, whoever they saw as family. They worked, and that breakup, although it was mutual because Livvie no longer felt safe hanging around Alex and Alex worried that the people after him would target Livvie again as live bait, had Alex down for weeks.

Alex was definitely into girls, and this crush Chase had on him was not going to end well. If he told him, things would get awkward and he would lose Alex's comfort—he was sure Alex wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as him— but if he didn't tell him, Chase would run himself into the ground trying to keep this massive secret from the only person he tells his deepest, darkest secrets to. As much as he hated the thought of keeping things from Alex, who told him his worst fears and greatest desires, things he hadn't told anyone else, he couldn't ruin their friendship. Not like this, not when this friendship was the only thing keeping at least one of them alive.

* * *

Lunch was good for Alex and his friends. It was Karolina's turn to forage for the week, and she had found a pack of canned soup somewhere. They knew it couldn't be that bad if it was canned, and it was a whole pack, which limited the amount of time outside, where she could be spotted and taken from them.

They ate in peace for the most part— Molly tended to be a loud eater when she was really hungry, like today. Once lunch was over though, they usually talked for a little bit to keep the spirits up in between training.

"Anybody else notice how much closer Chase and Alex have gotten? I swear, y'all must be in like an enemies to lovers fic or some shit," Nico said randomly.

"We were never enemies, Nico," Chase said, trying to not freak out about her comment.

"Alright, friends to lovers. Either way, y'all have gotten closer really fast."

"Did anybody else see the billboard for a new Lion King movie? Apparently, they're doing a live-action remake," Karolina interrupted, clearly wanting to change the subject.

"They're doing another one of those? Isn't this, like, the 5th one? Who's next, Mulan?" Molly said.

"Nah, they wouldn't be able to do Mushu justice," Gert said.

The conversation quickly turned to the best Disney movie, and Alex and Chase were able to let out the breath they didn't know they were holding.

* * *

Alex had his first sleepless night in weeks. Chase had dozed off pretty quickly after their talk about what they saw in the dark dimension, and Alex just couldn't shut his mind off from Nico's comment at lunch. Were him and Chase really getting that close? Sure, they slept in the same bed, but that was only because it helps them sleep. And yeah, Alex would still do it even if it didn't have those benefits; he gets to wake up to the most beautiful boy he had ever seen, with those gorgeous hazel eyes and sharp jawline and strong arms wrapped around him and—

_Fuck._

Alex totally likes him. He likes Chase Stein, the straightest guy he had ever met, except maybe his father. Chase had hooked up with countless girls, crushed on Karolina for years— there was no way Chase was into guys.

And even if he was, there is no way he would be into _Alex_.

The two were polar opposites: brain vs. brawn, outcast vs. popular, straight vs. whatever the hell Alex is _because now he has to figure that out._ Even though they had known each other their entire lives and were extremely close, there was still a line between friendship and romance. Was theirs blurred due to their cuddling and sleeping in the same bed? Yeah. But it exists, and Alex does not want to cross it. He couldn't risk this friendship, this emotional support. Not when they had lost everything else that was good in their lives. Alex was willing to destroy himself from unrequited love, if it meant that he could still have Chase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realized earlier that all of my favorite shows rn that have queer rep have characters named Alex.  
> runaways? Alex Wilder  
> one day at a time? Alex Alvarez  
> julie and the phantoms? Alex they haven't said his last name yet


	9. broken boy meets broken -girl- boy

Chase and Alex climbed into bed after a long day of training, muscles sore and hearts aching. 

“I really miss my mom tonight,” Chase said. This thinking-out-loud thing had become common between them. It helped them sift through their thoughts. 

“Yeah? What about her?” Alex said, inching closer to Chase. 

“I miss the talks we used to have. When she drove me to school or picked me up from lacrosse practice. She had the best advice, and she was a great listener. I could tell her my wildest dreams, and she would always tell me that anything is possible with a little determination and a lot of coffee—” Alex laughed at that one. Before they were runaways, the coffee addiction was real and bad—“I could tell her my darkest fears, and she used to say that ‘wherever there is darkness, there must always be light.’ I didn’t get that one until I had to live through some of my darkest fears. She was so right— it was difficult to find sometimes, but there was always a light in the darkness.”

Tears were streaming down Chase’s face at a mile a minute. Alex wrapped his arms around Chase, pulling him into his chest. 

“That’s beautiful advice. My mom’s greatest words of wisdom were ‘second chances were invented by people who couldn’t get it right the first time.’”

Chase laughed. “So that’s why you’re such a perfectionist.”

“Yeah, it is,” Alex said. “But it also taught me that not everyone’s advice is worth taking, even if people tell you you should. I remember growing up that everyone told me how lucky I am that Geoffrey and Catherine Wilder were my parents because I could pick their brains for free. If I lived by the advice my parents gave me, I would be even more cold and heartless than I already am.”

“You’re not cold and heartless, you were raised in an environment where that was expected of you, so your initial reaction can be cold and heartless. Once you learn to control it, you lose the thoughts slowly. I couldn’t tell you how many times I almost punched Molly in the face because she couldn’t get something down. But when I get those thoughts, I remind myself that that is what Victor Stein would do, and I don’t want to be like him."

"That's the thing, though. She wasn't always cold and heartless— that developed as I got older. When I was little, she was everything I could want in a mom: kind, caring, gave me freedom. She made me feel loved, even when I thought I was unlovable based on how other kids treated me. My mom always wanted to go down to the school and demand that the kids who pushed me off the playground be reprimanded, but I always told her that it would just get worse."

It was Alex's turn to be crying, and Chase wiggled his arms out of Alex's hold to wrap around Alex's frame.

They held each other like that for awhile, crying, mourning their lost mothers, wishing that they could have had more memories with them before they discovered the evil within their lives. When they first realized the evil intentions of PRIDE, they thought that their parents were pure evil, no good inside of them; it tainted all of their best memories with their parents and with each other when they would hang out at PRIDE meetings. As they've been away from them, and done some nefarious things of their own, they've realized that the line between good and evil isn't so much a line at all.

As their sobs turned to cries turned to whimpers, the two boys parted from each other. Chase grabbed the box of tissues from the ground and grabbed one, handing the box to Alex. Once they both dried their faces and blew their noses, the tissues were discarded in the trashcan by the door. 

"You ready for bed?" Chase asked.

"Yeah."

Chase and Alex adjusted themselves under the covers of their bed. Alex burrowed his face into Chase's chest and wrapped his arms around him. Chase put his face into Alex's hair, the smell a comfort for him, and wrapped his arms around Alex's torso.

"Goodnight, Bug."

"'Night, Beetle."


	10. raise a toast and a middle finger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know i haven't updated this book in almost a month. i'm really sorry, my mental health has been getting worse and i didn't have the energy to write on top of going to school, especially since i had finals during my break. i'll try to be more consistent from now until the end of this book, but no promises because i'm still not feeling 100% mentally (although i haven't really felt 100% mentally in like 4 years whoops)

Alex woke up to the feeling of a hand rubbing up and down his back. He raised his head to see Chase looking at him with a smile, which Alex returned.

“We gotta get up, bug,” Chase said. "You know Nico likes to start bright and early."

"Why did we let her lead training again?" Alex asked.

"Because she wanted to and nobody else did."

"That's right. Remind me to never let her take charge on something that would let her wake us up at the asscrack of dawn.”

Chase laughed. “Sure. But we really do need to get up.”

Alex groaned, but sat up in the bed. The two boys got out of bed and ready for the day, light conversation making its way between them. Once they were ready for the day, they walked out of the room. They always tried to be the first ones ready so that no one saw that they shared a room. It's not that they were ashamed of it, but they knew Nico would never let them hear the end of it, and neither wanted her ridiculing them for sleeping in the same bed.

Because they were almost always the first two up, they had taken over breakfast duty, preparing whatever had been foraged by whoever's turn it was to do it that week. For a bunch of teenagers that grew up in some of the most lavish lifestyles, they had figured out a pretty efficient system for getting chores done that resulted in minimal fighting. Alex chopped the fruit Molly had found for them while Chase heated up the bread. Just as they were serving up breakfast, the girls started coming out of their rooms. They all grabbed their plates and sat down at the table before digging in. The room was quiet as they ate their food, all of them wanting to get in their calories before the long day of training Nico surely had planned for them.

"So, for today, I was thinking we would start working on integrating our powers together. You know, creating formations for how we fight, figuring out how we can use our powers in tandem so that we work as one unit instead of six individuals. I think we'll be able to fight our enemies more effectively that way," Nico said once everyone had finished their breakfast.

"Yeah, that sounds great, Neeks. You have any ideas on how we can combine powers?" Gert said, collecting everyone's plates to put in the sink so she can wash them later.

"Well, for starters, we have Karolina flying the entire time. She'll be able to give us a better view of what's behind our enemies from above than on the ground like the rest of us. Alex, you think you can create walkie talkies of sorts?"

"Yeah, we just have to get the parts," Alex said.

"Great. I drew out a formation for us to use." Nico pulled a sheet of folded-up paper from her pocket and put it on the table. Once it was unfolded, her plans created last night were revealed.

“Wow, that’s a beautiful sketch,” Chase said.

“Shut it. Not all of us have your artistic abilities,” Nico said. “Anyways, the plan is to have Alex and Molly in the front fighting any enemies weakest in close combat. Then, Chase and I will be behind them because our weapons have a limited range, but we’ll be as far back as possible. Gert will be in the way back because she doesn’t have a limit to her range, at least in the context of combat. Old Lace will be up in front with Alex and Molly. Karolina will be above all of us, keeping sight on what’s behind them so that if the enemy is bringing in back up, we’re prepared.”

“That sounds great, babe,” Karolina said.

“Let’s find something we can use as a target,” Molly said.

They looked around the house until Gert found an old dartboard in one of the empty rooms. She set it up and the teens positioned themselves into the formation Nico had outlined. Alex and Molly took their turns first, slashing and punching the target. Chase and Nico started as they were finishing, Nico thinking of a spell and Chase firing off the fistigons—

“Ow! What the hell, man?” Alex yelled when Chase hit him with the fistigons.

“Sorry! I thought you would be out of the way by the time they hit the target,” Chase said.

“Well I was not. Wait until I’m out of the way _before_ you start firing those things.”

“Ooh, Chase is sleeping on the floor tonight,” Molly said to herself.

“What did you say, Molls?” Chase asked.

Molly’s whole body stiffened. “Nothing.”

“You obviously said something. Come on, spit it out.”

“Really, it was nothing.”

“Molly, I thought we agreed no secrets after Karolina told us about Jonah,” Gert said.

“Fine! I said Chase was going to be sleeping on the floor tonight!”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Chase asked.

“I saw you guys in bed together one morning. It was a joke about that. You weren’t supposed to hear it.”

“When was this?” Chase and Alex said in unison.

“Wait, this has happened multiple times? I thought it was just that once when Molly told us. Holy shit, you guys are sleeping together!” Nico said.

“First of all, I don’t like the implications of the phrase ‘sleeping together’ so let’s not say that. Second of all, you told them?” Alex said.

“You know I’m not great at keeping secrets. I’m honestly surprised I kept it a secret this long. And this was a few weeks ago.”

“Must’ve been when we just started doing it,” Chase mumbled.

“Wait, so you guys have been sleeping in the same bed since then? How did we not figure it out?” Gert said.

“I moved into Alex’s room. Makes it more discreet at night. And we always wake up before you guys. Why do you think we’re always making breakfast in the morning? We’re the first ones up.”

“Does anybody else think this is hilarious, because I do. The only two people I thought were completely straight in this house are together!” Nico said.

“We’re not dating, Nico,” Alex corrected.

“Oh, so what are you doing, then? Cuddling each other to sleep every night?” Nico said. “Yeah, because that’s a _totally_ platonic thing to do with someone.”

“It’s platonic for us,” Chase said.

“Just drop it, Nico,” Alex said.

“I’m definitely not dropping this. We have two couples in this house!”

“We’re not a couple!” Alex said.

“And you wonder why we never said anything. Maybe it’s because we didn’t want to deal with this shit. We knew you wouldn’t let us do this in peace,” Chase said.

“Can we please just get back to training? Nico, you really should drop it. They don’t want to talk about it. And Chase, make sure everyone’s out of the way before you start shooting your lasers,” Gert said.

“They’re not lasers! They’re blasts of energy— lasers are light,” Chase said.

“Well whatever they are, make sure they don’t hit us,” Alex said, and they reset their target to practice again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i totally didn't google what the fistigons shoot for this, what are you talking about?
> 
> also i completely changed the ending for this book than what i had originally outlined because i didn't like it anymore but i think this ending is much more in character for everyone.


	11. deleted things i really meant

Once Chase figured out the timing for his fistigons, training ran smoothly: the teens were able to figure out how to combine their powers together, and by the end, the target was destroyed.

"Alright, I think we're on the right path to being the best we can be in battle. Rest up everyone," Nico said. Alex and Nico put their weapons away, and Gert got Old Lace tucked in in the living room, since she was too big to comfortably sleep in Gert's room. The girls went up the stairs to their rooms when Chase pulled Alex aside.

"Hey, I think we should sleep in separate rooms, at least until Nico lets up on the whole thing," Chase said.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Grab your stuff, I'll finish cleaning up here," Alex said, as it was his turn to clean up any messes left from training.

Chase rounded up all of the clothes he had gathered up over the many months they had been away, as well as his toiletries and—

_his notebook._

He hadn't written in this notebook since he moved in with Alex— he could talk about everything he wrote in there out loud. But now that was over, with them not sharing a room anymore. Chase couldn't be in there while Nico thought they were dating because that's what he wanted. He wanted to be dating Alex, to hold his hand even when he isn't having a panic attack and Alex knows that calms him, to kiss him when they wake up, to hold him just a little tighter where things _would_ be romantic. God, what he would give to be able to tell Alex how he feels without getting rejected and losing the only person he felt comfortable telling his problems to.

Chase set the notebook on top of his pile of stuff and took it all into his newly reinstated bedroom. The clothes ended up stuffed in the dresser and his toiletries stacked on top of it. He laid down on the bed and opened up the notebook he kept all of his letters to his mom in, the little bookmark inside directing him to the first blank page.

_Hey mom,_

_Sorry I’ve been MIA for a little while. Though I guess the reason I haven’t been writing here is good: I’ve started sharing everything that would normally go in here with Alex. Turns out we both have a lot of repressed trauma to work through, and we’ve been doing it together. Up until now, at least. We aren’t anymore. Molly caught us sleeping in the same bed apparently, and now Nico won’t shut up about how she thinks we’re dating. We’re not, but I know the topic is going to come up and I don’t know if I’ll be able to hide my feelings for Alex if we talk about it. And I have to keep them a secret. The rejection from that would be unbearable. Plus, me moving back into my room would have happened anyways, so I’m just saving myself from all the pain. We’ve gotten a lot closer though. Bug and Beetle have come back. Do you remember when we called each other that all the time when we were kids? It was like we didn’t know each other’s names we used them so little. He’s my best friend. Always has been. I always found it funny how within the 7 of us, there seemed to be all these pairs of best friends. Me and Alex, obviously, but also Alex and Amy, Karolina and Nico, Gert and Molly (though that one was probably because they lived together). God, Amy would be so annoyed with me right now if she knew how much I was pining. She’d probably shake me and tell me that confessing and getting through the heartbreak is so much better than having all these feelings I keep pushing down. Amy was always so much stronger than I was. I miss her so much, mom. She would’ve known what to do about everything that we’ve been through. It probably wouldn’t have taken Karolina falling through the skylight for us to find shelter, or Topher breaking into the Hostel for us to learn how to forage for food. You wanna know my biggest regret about that whole situation and maybe in my entire life? Leaving them for the lax bros. I blame the group dismantling on Alex not showing up to the funeral, but in all honesty, we probably would’ve gotten over that. He probably had a good reason to. But I couldn’t handle all of the sadness that losing her brought on everyone. You know I’ve never had the best emotional intelligence. And we were starting our freshman year, so when the lacrosse team welcomed me into their circle, I took it no questions asked. God, I should’ve asked questions. They weren’t the kind of people I should’ve had around me when I was grieving like that and as an impressionable freshman. Cold, indifferent, selfish. It shouldn’t have surprised me when I caught them trying to rape Karolina— they are the exact kind of people that would do that. Can I tell you a secret? I didn’t even know it was Karolina or Brandon and Lucas. I just saw two guys carrying a passed out girl up the stairs and assumed the worst. I wasn’t about to let somebody be raped without at least trying to do something about it. That was the moment I really realized how much I fucked up in the friends department. None of the others are the type to do something like that, especially after years of Gert’s talks about consent since she became a self-proclaimed “social justice warrior”._

_But I have them back. For all of our flaws and fights, they’re my family. And I intend to keep it that way._

_Love,_

_Chase_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide
> 
> sorry i went mia again, my mental health is just tanking completely. it's gotten so bad, my suicidal thoughts are back after 3 years without them. speaking of which, next chapter is going to be heavy on the suicide themes, so if that's something you know isn't good for you when it goes up (hopefully thursday with my current plan), feel free to skip it.


	12. only you can cure my sickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major tw! self harm is talked about and performed, please heed the tags! there will be exclamation marks before and after if you want to avoid it.

Alex shut the door behind him as he walked into his room. _Never in my life did I think I would be upset about having my own room._

Growing up as an only child, Alex learned pretty quickly how to have fun by himself. Even though the other PRIDE kids are like the siblings he never got, they didn’t live with him until this year, so he grew accustomed to having his own space. Because of this, sleepovers were a nightmare, with everyone crammed in a living room together.

Now, he didn’t like being alone. He liked having someone to talk to when he couldn’t sleep, someone to hold and would hold him through the night when he felt like everything was crumbling in his mind. Chase didn't make the thoughts he had go away, but he made them manageable.

_And now that's all gone._

This was the worst case scenario for Alex: his friends (well, it's just Nico, but still) making fun of him for sleeping in the same bed as Chase, and him not feeling comfortable with it now that the others think that the two were dating. Of course he wouldn't— Chase is the epitome of "straight male". But now Alex was left to sift through his issues alone (which was immeasurably harder than with the support of someone else), sitting on his bed with his legs held to his chest.

 _God, why did you have to get so dependent?_ Alex had learned early in life that the only person that he would ever always have was himself. Not his friends that didn't stand up for him when kids bullied him into giving them his answers and then abandoned him at the lowest point of his life, certainly not his parents that were in an office building more than they were at home, no one. But then he let Chase be a constant, and it only bit him in the butt.

Alex could feel his hands start to shake. _You drove him away._ His breaths became shorter and faster. _He wants nothing to do with you._ He put his head in between his legs. _You're so needy._ The tears were streaming down his face at a mile a minute. _I don't know why he ever talked to you._ He pulled at his hair. _You were never worth all that._ His body was going numb. _Look at all the trouble you caused._ His vision was blurring. _You don't deserve to exist._ He felt himself go completely numb, tears rolling down his cheeks, landing on his hoodie. His breath only quickened, and then slowed until he could see clearly again.

!!!!!!

And all he could think about was pain, and how he needed to cause himself it.

He slowly got up from the bed, still crying, and walked over to where he kept the blades to the razor he had from when someone had seen Gert looking for food and gave her money. Alex carefully took one out and set it on the side table before sitting back down on his bed.

Alex rolled up his sleeves, seeing the faded butterflies scattered across his forearm. He put the blade above them and slashed it against his skin, watching the blood drip down his arm. _Slice. Slice. Slice._ He carefully switched the blade to his other hand to mark the other arm. _Slice. Slice. Slice. Slice._

His arm stopped bleeding, and Alex wiped it off with a spare pillowcase. The hoodie sleeves were pulled back up to hide his night's doing.

!!!!!!

Alex wrapped himself back up in the blankets and grabbed the other pillow on his bed. He wrapped his arms around the pillow and drifted off to sleep, pretending that the pillow was giving off the same warmth Chase did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took so long, the self harm and negative thoughts during the panic attack were really difficult to write because i've been struggling with my mental health, so i had to do it in little chunks so i wouldn't want to hurt myself. that's also why it's so short, this was really hard to write.


	13. throwing rocks at your broken window

Alex opened his eyes slowly, the world slowly becoming more and more visible. He put on his glasses, letting his vision clear up and focus. The room was a mess— clothes everywhere, things distraught. It honestly reflected how he was feeling.

"A cluttered house leads to a cluttered mind, mijo," his grandma used to say. "Keeping your room clean will help you destress. You're always so uptight about everything. Get that from _tu mamá."_

The memories of his early childhood fresh in his mind, Alex started tidying up his room. He folded the clothes and organized them by type, picked up the trash scattered across the floor and threw it away, even made the bed and fluffed up the pillows.

Once he felt his room was sufficiently clean, he pulled on a hoodie, making sure his forearms were covered, and walked out to the kitchen.

* * *

The light hit Chase's eyes as he begrudgingly opened them. His room greeted him, happy to have him back. But Chase wasn't happy to be back in it. What he really wanted was to wake up with Alex next to him, but he ended that. _This is why Gert calls you stupid all the time._

He looked around the room until he found his old sketchbook. Chase kept it on him so that his dad couldn't find it and subsequently destroy it. _It must have been in my bag when we left._ He pulled it out and turned to the next blank page. Once he found the pen he keeps for his letters to his mom, he started sketching, letting his mind wander to whatever inspired him.

As he put the final touches on the sketch, Molly called them for breakfast. He put down the pen and the book, getting up to go eat.

(and if the drawing was him and Alex, well no one had to know.)

* * *

Chase sat down as Alex walked out of his room, looking worse than he had ever seen him. His hair was a mess, his glasses were barely on his face, and there was a massive hole in the knee of the pants that definitely was not there for style purposes.

"Alex, why don't you go back to bed?" Gert said.

"Why? I'm fine," Alex said.

"Dude, you look like you just got hit by a bus," Nico said.

"We can skip out on training today. You clearly need the rest," Karolina said. Nico shot her a glare at that.

"Fine, fine," Alex walked back to his room.

The rest of the teens ate their breakfast in silence. Alex's disheveled appearance had dampened all of their moods in worry for him.

Once he was done, Chase got up and put his dish in the sink. "I'm gonna go make sure Alex isn't sick. You know how he gets, doesn't like people taking care of him."

"Yeah go check on your boyfriend for us," Nico said as he walked to Alex's room.

Chase flipped her off and opened the door, only to be greeted with a sad sight. Alex was curled up in bed, tears running down his face.

"Hey, bug, you doing okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to know what Chase's drawing looked like, the general idea is [here](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8b/ba/76/8bba7633b961746b6ac7e5b8a5ea6c6e.png)


	14. patching up all the holes until we both feel much better

p _reviously on safety pin:_

Once he was done, Chase got up and put his dish in the sink. "I'm gonna go make sure Alex isn't sick. You know how he gets, doesn't like people taking care of him."

"Yeah, go check on your boyfriend for us," Nico said as he walked to Alex's room.

Chase flipped her off and opened the door, only to be greeted with a sad sight. Alex was curled up in bed, tears running down his face.

"Hey, bug, you doing okay?"

* * *

“Yeah, just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night,” Alex said.

“Well how much did you get?” Chase said, closing the door behind him.

“Maybe an hour?”

“Bug, you gotta sleep.”

“I know. I just couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think? I’ll give you a hint: it starts with a N and ends with ‘ico’.”

“I know, I didn’t fall asleep instantly either. But you can’t let her have that power over you.”

“It’s not like I didn’t try. My brain just wouldn’t let it go.”

"I get it. I couldn't get it out of my head either." Chase got into the bed and wrapped his arms around Alex.

"I mean, why'd she have to make it this big deal and say we're dating? We’re not, but no matter how many times we tell her that she won’t believe us. It’s so stupid how much it affects me. I know we’re not, you know we’re not, why should it matter what anyone else thinks about it? But it does, and—“

“Alex,” Chase said, knowing that his rambling can send him spiraling.

“Why can’t I just let it go? I know we straddle the line, but it shouldn’t matter—“

“Alex!”

Alex stopped talking. “What?”

"Can I kiss you?" Chase asks.

"I thought you'd never ask," Alex said as he connected their lips.

Their bodies went hot as they kissed. Fireworks shot through them, lighting up the room. Chase put his hands on Alex's hips as Alex put his to Chase's neck. Both their stomachs had kittens doing backflips in them.

As they pulled away to breathe, their foreheads touched. The only sound in the room was their panting and their racing hearts.

"So what does this mean for us?" Alex said.

"I think it means Nico might've been right," Chase said.

"Hey, beetle?"

"Yeah, bug?"

"I relapsed last night."

Chase's face fell. "How bad?"

"Not the worst night I've had, but the worst one in months."

"Can I see?"

Alex rolled up his sleeves. Chase hovered his fingers over the lines, then began to kiss at every cut from the previous night.

"There. My mom used to always tell me that kisses make everything better."

"My mom told me to suck it up. But, thank you."

"Hey, Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

Alex's eyes widened at that.

"I know we can't go on dates or do all the other cute coupley things, but we have each other, right? Isn't that what really matters?" Chase said.

"Yeah, it is. And I would love to be your boyfriend."

"Great." Chase pecked his lips. "And as boyfriends, I think the first thing we should do is nap, because I think we both need some sleep."

"Agreed."

They laid down under the covers. Chase pulled Alex into his arms and wrapped them around his shoulders, while Alex wrapped his arms around Chase's waist.

Alex nuzzled his face into Chase's chest. "Sleep tight, Beetle."

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Chase said as he kissed the top of Alex's head.

As the two boys drifted off to sleep, bodies entangled in one another, they dreamt of beautiful dates instead of their worst nightmares.


	15. runaways, we're the long lost children

"Hey, guys, come check this out!" Alex said from his computer.

"What is it?" Karolina said.

"Apparently our parents turned themselves in. It's all over the news." Alex pulled up one of the many articles popping up about their parents.

#  News Scoop 

### Leaders of PRIDE release video footage of over a decade of teenage murders 

Today, the leaders of PRIDE released footage of the murders against teenagers they have been committing for over a decade and a half. These videos come with the news that their children found these videos first, and this is why they ran away. Known as "The PRIDE Children," Alex Wilder (son of Geoffrey and late Catherine Wilder), Nico Minoru (daughter of Tina and late Robert Minoru), Karolina Dean (daughter of Leslie and Frank Dean), Gertrude Yorkes (daughter of Stacey and Dale Yorkes), Chase Stein (son of Victor and late Janet Stein), and Molly Hernandez (daugther of late Alice and Gene Hernandez), disappeared over a year ago after they were accused of the murder of Destiny Gonzalez, who was one of the victims in PRIDE's murder cult. The leaders of PRIDE released a statement saying that this "is a last-ditch effort to get our children to come home." PRIDE's leaders appear to be using the appearance of guilt for their actions in order to get their children to sympathize with them and get them to emerge from hiding. Whether or not it will work, we'll just have to wait and see.

"Holy shit," Gert said.

"Yeah, we don't have to worry about them finding us," Nico said.

"I mean, at least this means they're a little sorry, right?" Molly said.

"I don't think so. If there is anything my dad has taught me, is that he will lie and cheat his way into sympathy points to get me to come back. Even if he was sorry for the murdering he did, I still wouldn't go back. Here, I don't get punched weekly, and we live with someone with super strength," Chase said.

"Same here. My dad isn't getting me back, he broke too many things outside of the murder for us to ever be able to be fixed," Alex said.

"So we all agree? We're not going back?" Karolina said.

"Hands in if we agree," Nico said.

One by one, they put their hands in.

"Alright, so it's settled, we're never going back."

"Great, does this mean we can get jobs now?" Gert said.

"I mean, yeah. We'll have to figure out how to do that, but hypothetically we could," Nico said.

"But if we do, we should work at different places. It'll keep people from putting the pieces together that we're the PRIDE kids," Karolina said.

"So I can finally work at Starbucks and live out my dream of free coffee?" Molly said.

"Molls, you're 15 still, you can't legally get a job yet," Alex said.

"But they don't have to know that. Surely if we have to lie about our names we can lie about our age."

"Oh yeah, we'll have to change our names," Karolina said.

Alex started typing, "Well, let’s make some fake names. I’ll pull up a fake name generator and—"

"Wait!" Molly said. "Can I keep my last name? I mean, it's kind of the last connection I have with my parents, and I know they did shitty things but—"

"It's fine Molls. We get it, you didn't get to know your parents like we did," Chase said.

"Besides, your parents died trying to fight back against this. They would be honored that you carry their name in this fight," Nico said.

"Plus, your last name is super common, especially in LA. No one will suspect anything. The rest of us, people probably associate our last names with PRIDE," Karolina said.

"Alright, I've generated enough names for all of us. Molls, your first name will be Angela, Gert, you'll be Kara Stancill, Karo, you'll be Melody Lankford, Chase, you'll be Christopher Crays, Nico, you'll be Elena Krug, and I'll be Aaron Nichols," Alex said, writing all of their new aliases down.

"Great, we can go get applications tomorrow. Maybe now we won't have to ration out toilet paper like it's military food," Gert said.

The girls walked out of the room, and Chase sat down on the bed.

"Are you gonna get a job?" Chase asked.

"Probably not. Someone needs to be here in case someone discovers this place so that we can keep it hidden. If you want to, though, I won't stop you."

"Yeah, you're right. I probably will though. As much as I would love the alone time with you, you have the computers to keep you busy. I'd probably just be following you around like a lost puppy."

"That's fair. And you could always do part-time so that while the girls are out, we can be here. Do you think Old Lace would snitch if we made too much noise?"

"Definitely. She does _not _like me."__

__  
_ _

"Well then, we'll just have to keep quiet." Alex pecked Chase's lips.


	16. no more waiting, we can save us from falling

**_3 weeks later..._ **

Chase dropped his phone on the table in his and Alex's room. The burner phones, along with many other things, were a new expense they could afford now that they had four people working full-time and another working half.

"Hey, how was work?" Alex said, lifting up his face to kiss Chase's cheek.

"Terrible, this one lady just went all in on me at the register. She did not understand the concept of 'you have to buy 5 sodas in order to get the discount.' It took like a half-hour to get the whole thing situated."

"That sounds awful. Well, the girls won't be back for another hour— they went out on a grocery run."

"Great, because I need some alone time with my boyfriend."

Chase laid down on their bed, Alex following suit. Alex wrapped his arms around him, placing one of his hands in Chase's hair, running his fingers through it. Chase quickly fell asleep, and Alex changed his position a little bit so that he could keep his eyes on the cameras out front.

Once Chase woke up from his nap, Alex tried getting up to go back to his chair. Chase pulled him back down.

"Stay here and kiss me. Just for a little bit."

Alex checked the time and thought they had enough before their housemates got home and turned over to kiss his boyfriend.

They found a rhythm to their kiss, letting their feelings drive them. It turned heated after a while, the two of them slightly grinding against each other as they made out.

"Guys, come put away groceries and your dicks," Gert said.

The two of them jumped apart. "Uh, you weren't supposed to see that." Chase said.

"Well, I did. Now come help."

"You're not weirded out?" Alex asked.

"Neither of you are very subtle anyways, it was only a matter of time before someone walked in. You both look at each other like how Nico and Karolina do, that gross lovey-dovey look."

The two boys walked out of the room with Gert. "So did you all know then?" Chase asked.

"Yeah. Again, not subtle," Karolina said.

"Okay then," Alex said, unloading cans of soup from a bag.

* * *

"So, now that the cat's out of the bag that we know," Molly said, "How long have you guys been dating?"

"3 weeks," Alex said.

"But we'd been dancing around the whole thing for what, a month, babe?" Chase said.

"Yeah, probably."

"So then this is pretty new, huh?" Gert said.

"Yeah. But it's good. We have some great talks," Chase said.

"With your tongues down each other's throats?" Nico said.

"No, like what it's like to experience literal hell," Alex said.

"Oh."

"Well, it's good that you guys are talking about it. Maybe we should do that more often, like group therapy, but with no therapist." Karolina said.

"Yeah, that sounds great." Gert said.

"Honestly it's pretty cathartic," Alex said.

They all made small talk as they ate their dinner, then cleaning up after themselves. Once they were all done and tuckered out from a day's training, the 6 of them went to their rooms to sleep for the night.

Chase slipped under the covers, "I'm glad they know. We don't have to sneak around anymore."

"Yeah, me too."

Alex took off his glasses and placed them on the bedside table. He got into bed and wrapped himself around his boyfriend, Chase doing the same. They shared a kiss before drifting off to sleep, resting for whatever adventures the next day would take them on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the end! hope you all enjoyed this rollercoaster ride. this is actually the first fic i've ever finished, and i'm so proud of myself for finishing it. thank you to everyone who has read this or left kudos, i really appreciate it.


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